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Dezoris

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[27 Dec 2008|03:55pm]
"communication is not just words
communication is architecture
because of course it is quite obvious
that a house which would be built without the sense
without that desire for communication
would not look the way your house looks today"
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[11 Nov 2008|12:51am]
You know, I'm almost posting regularly. About twice a year. And always in the same mood.
For the past couple months, I've spent a decent amount of time thinking about the past. For about a week, I started using the internet for social purposes pretty heavily again. I went onto classmates.com and Facebook in an attempt to track down old friends who I haven't spoken to in ages. I even got a couple responses. I just got one now. This has caused me to:
A) Wonder why I'm so concerned with the past.
B) Wonder why I'm so detached now.
C) Wonder why I looked for these specific people.

I think I'm so concerned with the past because even now, years later, I'm still trying to figure out why we did the things we did, acted the way we acted. Why did I go berserk back in high school and forsake nearly all friendship? Why was I so clingy with Ellen? Why did Mira matter so much to me? Why did I try to be so involved in Jimmy/Kristin?
Easiest answer would be, I guess, that I always think I'm right and beyond understanding, and whenever anyone gave a sign that they saw anything in me, I held on for dear life.

Jason is my best friend (Kristine: you're already in another position, don't complain =P). That basically started on a single, emotional storm of a day, when Ellen broke up with me. I was a complete, utter wreck, and for some reason I walked to his house. I still don't really know why. But I did. He (and his family) let me stay there a while, and they've taken good care of me ever since then. Once we got past all the outer BS, we actually got along and understood each other pretty well. It's funny, because I thought he was an ass prior to that. But I still feel like I'm walking around because he patched up my bleeding heart (however hypochondriacally anemic it may have been) and helped save me, and I love him like he gave me a lung.

As I get older, I compare myself to my dad more often. He had been in the Army (during Vietnam). I'm the same rank as he was (though it meant more in his day). Part of why I joined the Army (admitted, it was lower on the list, but it was there) was to get a better idea of who he was, to understand him better. I don't know if I've accomplished that or not. Much of the time, though, I feel that being in the Army has made me more like him. Deployment didn't make me any closer to anyone, it made me feel more isolated. I never heard anything about the Army from him, but a few years after he died, my mom told me a story; that he had been walking near a tree in Vietnam, and an old man threw himself from the tree at my father. He was unarmed, my father was not. I guess Dad never said whether or not he shot the man, but I'm pretty sure he did. I think I've mentioned this before. I do tend to repeat myself.
After my dad died, that left two people that could carry on the family name; me, and my uncle. A few months ago, my uncle died. So, I'm the only one left. When I was a teenager, I remember hating Dad and my sister so violently that I wanted the family name to die out. Thinking that even if I'd married, I'd take her last name, just to get rid of my own. That part didn't happpen, obviously, but still...
By the way, in case I never mentioned it (to anyone other than Kristine), pretty much the reasons why I joined the Army are (in this order):
1) To be able to financially support a family.
2) "The Glorious Burden", by Iced Earth. (Declaration Day, Valley Forge, Gettysburg trilogy.)
3) Solid Snake. (Haha. I know. Shut up.)
4) Understanding my father.

I've become a lot more cynical, too. I tend to think I'm more... correct than pretty much everyone but my friends, and I guess that's my primary criteria for friendship.

Potentially upsetting notes ahead, involving two big no-nos: religion and politics. Let's see if I can remember how to do an LJ-Cut thing properly.
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So tired [05 Sep 2007|09:13pm]
That's about it. I'm just tired. Exhausted. I am stressed the fuck out.
Work has been getting hellaciously busy, and it's only going to get worse for the rest of this month. I've been starting to fall behind in the ONE class I was taking, and my second class just started. I keep logging in to try and work on it when I have time, and feeling paralyzed and unable to do anything.
Stuff with Kristine is difficult, and I don't feel like I have the energy for anything anymore. I just want to sleep, all the time. I feel like crying, but I never can.
I think I'll have a day off later this week. If I focus on school that day, I think I'll be okay, as long as I can really do it. And maybe I can sleep in that day, too.
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[02 Feb 2007|08:08am]
"seems like it was yesterday that i saw your face
you told me how proud you were, but i walked away
if only i knew what i know today

i would hold you in my arms, i would take the pain away
thank you for all you've done, forgive all your mistakes
there's nothing i wouldn't do to hear your voice again
sometimes i wanna call you, but i know you won't be there

oh, i'm sorry for blaming you for everything i just couldn't do
and i've hurt myself by hurting you

some days i feel broke inside, but i won't admit
sometimes i just wanna hide, 'cause it's you i miss
and it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

would you tell me i was wrong?
would you help me understand?
are you looking down upon me?
are you proud of who i am?
there's nothing i wouldn't do to have just one more chance
to look into your eyes and see you looking back

oh, i'm sorry for blaming you for everything i just couldn't do
and i've hurt myself

oh, if i had just one more day
i would tell you how much that i've missed you since you've been away
oh, it's dangerous
it's so out of line to try and turn back time

i'm sorry for blaming you for everything i just couldn't do
and i've hurt myself
by hurting you"
-Hurt, by Christina Aguilera
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[03 Feb 2006|10:11am]
I don't have a lot of time right now, because this stupid computer is pay-by-the-minute, and I have to sit at the damn battalion staff duty desk for four hours soon, and maybe the company desk after that, but while I have the chance an update is due. Most of you, but not all of you know a good chunk of this, but oh well.
Two major events have happened in the last year; I got married, and I joined the Army. First choice, good. Second choice, evaluation pending. Regardless, here I am in Fort Benning, Georgia, and the separation is driving me absolutely insane. I miss my family, my friends, and I'm losing my mind without them or my wife. I've been stuck here far longer than I should have been, because I failed to pass my Physical Fitness Test. I've been here for 4 1/2 months. I got to come home for about two weeks for Christmas, but aside from that, I've been here since September 16th. And it sucks.
This morning, though, I finally passed it. I am now officially a graduate, and I'll be going to Fort Gordon next week for AIT (Advanced Individual Training). My wife may be coming down as early as next week as well, to live nearby until I'm allowed to live off-post with her for a remainder of AIT, and then we'll go to my first duty station together, which could be anywhere. It just better not be Korea.
My wife's name is Kristine Atkins, originally Kristine Lowman. I originally met her my freshman year of high school, but we didn't really "stick" until September 2004. I love her to death, obviously, and I'm lucky to have her. We were married September 6th, 2005. It was a very small wedding, for a few reasons, and was attended by my mom, sister, Calvin (most of you should know who he is, long-time family friend), my best friend Jason, and a mutual friend named Kristin. We want to do a more traditional vow renewal, with friends and family and a reception and everything, but that's going to take a while. We didn't have the time or money before.
I meant to talk to some people over Christmas Exodus, but I didn't find the time, I'm sorry. I want to make it up, but I don't have a whole lot of control over when I can do things right now. Hopefully I'll be allowed to have my computer in AIT, and I'll be able to talk to everyone.
My enlistment in the Army is for 6 years. I'll try to post here more often, once I have the freedom to do so.
That's all for now. I'm almost out of time. Hopefully I'll get to talk to some of you soon. Hope you're all doing well.
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[29 Sep 2002|08:55pm]
Go away, Damarra. Before I hurt you.
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[23 Sep 2002|10:30pm]
Burn in hell, Damarra. Burn in hell.
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[23 Sep 2002|11:21am]
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These are the verses of Enth E End. At least, the ones that correspond with In The End, anyway. (Linkin Park)
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[18 Sep 2002|11:21pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I'm pretty happy. Impatient, but happy.
I need happier music. 'Cause stuff like Confession, Want, Happy Child, and Ghosts just don't describe the way I feel right now. Perhaps some Our Lady Peace, or Michelle Branch. Ooooh, that sounds good.
I just can't wait for this weekend.

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[18 Sep 2002|12:05am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I wanna get this week over with, so I can get to the weekend. It's taking so longgggg. It sucks having to wait in week-increments to see Ellen (and Alice, too, if she'd ever bring her hindquarters back here). Mondays take FOREVER, too, thanks to Psychology of Women. (I forbid anyone reading this to take that class. It is SOOOOOO boring.)
I've been biking my ass off, but it doesn't help to make me look/feel any better. I dunno what I can do other than sit-ups. *shrug* Meh, I s'pose that's what I'll do, then.
I really want to have a room all to myself now. I wanna just throw myself onto the bed when I get home, and just chill and listen to music or whatever. I suppose I can kind of do that sometimes as it is (since Calvin is often watching TV when I get back home), but it's still just better to have my own room. I can't listen to music when I go to sleep, really. Unless I use my headphones and CD player, which isn't good since it kills batteries and is quite uncomfortable, especially when you sleep on your side.
I'm actually starting to wish I could drive.
I don't think I've ever wanted to sit around outside as much as I did earlier today.
I'm looking forward to this weekend a lot.

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[17 Sep 2002|12:02am]
[ mood | happy ]

I asked Ellen out.
She said yes.
I am happy.

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[15 Sep 2002|01:38am]
[ mood | blah ]

Today wasn't really good. Not much really happened, but I'm unhappy about things. I think I'm gonna quit RPG again. I hate, hate, HATE the idea of randomly fucking around with people, which Thiers and Jimmy seem to love. Pisses me off. Jimmy/Kristin fights are frustrating. The RPGing itself is irritating too, because of the squabbles we get into. It's all just a lot of being irritated and wasting time. The whole thing with punks/preps/rebels/whatever is getting really stupid, too. It really doesn't matter. At all. Stop being pissy about people that don't even affect you. You're getting to be just as angry/hateful at them as they are towards whoever, and with just as little reason.
Also, it's quite sad when you say "I think it's hilarious that these people yada-yada-yada...", or "It's so funny when those punks yada-yada-yada...", and you aren't even laughing. Seeing as you're neither laughing, nor happy, perhaps you should start working on your own life, rather than finding reasons to slam people.
Hey, maybe I'm wrong.
But yeah, I don't think I can handle RPGing. So I'm out.

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[14 Sep 2002|09:08am]
[ mood | happy ]

Ahhhh, fun. We should be attempting D&D today, so I await word of where to go, and when.
Yesterday, I spent my after-school time hanging out with Ellen, which was very fun. We saw Minority Report, which is pretty good. It's odd, man. Just...I dunno. It's creepy.
I'm not eloquent enough for long journal entries.

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Mope owns you. [13 Sep 2002|11:30am]
[ mood | amused ]

Guy 1: We gonna drop this next bomb for a money-makin' playa that ain't with us no mo'.
Guy 2: Yeah, Notorious B.I.G..
Guy 1: Hell no! We gonna do this for a gang-bangin' thug that never seen it comin'!
Guy 2: Yeah, Tupac Shakur!
Guy 1: Nah, bitch! I'm talkin' 'bout mother fuckin' Falco and shit!
Guy 2: Wha? Falco?

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Jimmy's quiz (also my first quiz ever *gasp*) [11 Sep 2002|02:46am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

There's way too many songs for me to know I've done this thing accurately.


Favorite/Best Song (Man, this question just ain't fair.)
1. Red Delicious - Casualties
2. Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
3. You're Pretty - Beautiful Accident

Worst Song (off the top of your head)
1. Vitamin C - Can't Say No
2. Jay-Z - Big Pimpin'
3. Bloodhound Gang - Bad Touch

Best Guitar (I don't bloody remember)
1. Tool - H
2. Cringe - Reflection
3. Cold - No One

Best Bass (guitar) [Note: I can't usually listen to bass too well any more, because my CD player is fragged and I can't have the volume up on speakers much. I don't know of any bass boost on my comp...]
1. Joydrop - If I Forget
2. Abandoned Pools - The Remedy
3. LiveonRelease - Don't Leave Me Alone

Best Drums
1. The Offspring - The Kids Aren't Alright
Other than that, sorry, I have no idea.

Best Vocals
1. A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
2. Garbage - You Look So Fine
3. Tori Amos - Precious Things

Best Electronics (I think #1 is unanimously Freetime)
1. Kenna - Freetime
2. Kenna - Red Man
3. Garbage - Androgyny

Best Piano/Keyboard
1. Sarah McLachlan - Full Of Grace
2. Tori Amos - Winter
3. Tori Amos - Tear In Your Hand

Best Lyrics (Psh, this is impossible. =P )
1. Red Delicious - Casualties
2. Injected - Ms. Fortune
3. A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

Best Song Overall Sonically/Musically
1. Goo Goo Dolls - Big Machine
2. LiveonRelease - Why
3. Linkin Park - Papercut

Most Influential Song To You
1. Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery
2. Garbage - Special
3. Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

Most Depressing Song
1. Cold - Confession
2. Cold - Sick Of Man
3. Garbage - Cup Of Coffee

Happiest Song
1. Vivid - Free
2. Bif Naked - Tango Shoes
3. Something by The Cure.

Best Music Video
1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
2. That one Radiohead song with the guy lying in the street.
3. Dirty Vegas - Days Go By

Best Albums (5)
1. LiveonRelease - Seeing Red
2. Garbage - Self-titled
3. Joydrop - Metasexual
4. Volition - Guilty Pleasures
5. Lacuna Coil - Unleashed Memories

Favorite Musicians (people specifically, not bands)
1. Foxx Herst
2. Shirley Manson
3. Cristina Scabbia

W00T, I DID IT!

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[10 Sep 2002|08:29pm]
[ mood | amused ]

The Big Metal Unit.
'Nuff said.
http://www.planetbaldursgate.com/bg2/walkthrough/bmu/

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What a great way to start the day... [10 Sep 2002|09:57am]
[ mood | irritated ]

Okay, so I tried to be good today, and get to Normandale about 20-25 minutes early, so I'd have time to cool off and all that and not reek when I got to class. I left at about 9:30. It takes me about 7 minutes to get there, and class doesn't start until 10:00.
All should have gone well.
But once I got there, I realized I had forgotten my bike lock.
So I bike back home. Remember now, the way back home is mostly uphill.
I only had one clean shirt.
*sigh*
So now I'm just staying home, missing a test I don't think I was ready for, and kissing my Perfect Attendance grade good-bye.

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[10 Sep 2002|08:25am]
Yea, I got my first Lacuna Coil CD, Unleashed Memories. It also has Halflife (a short CD they had done before) on it, which I hadn't known about. I don't remember all the songs I listened to last night, but the ones I've listened to so far this morning have been really good. The guy just needs to sing less.
And violins pwn j00.

Poured myself some milk yesterday. Started drinking it, then realized there was a strange taste to it. I looked at the container again, and saw an odd ring of red around the top...
I think I now know what lipstick tastes like.
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[06 Sep 2002|05:42am]
[ mood | discontent ]

My worst class is officially French. I miss good ol' Waldauer. I had more fun in her class than any other, and without even being a hooligan.
I think I have a potential friend at WAVE, but I keep making myself look like a moron in front of her. *sigh*
FM3 is getting difficult for me. Maybe I'm not as good at these sorts of games as I thought..? I guess not. I'm liking the game a bit less now, too. There doesn't really seem to be much to do once combat actually starts. It's mostly setting up. It's still fun, just...eh.

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[04 Sep 2002|01:58am]
[ mood | blah ]

My rant for the night: people hating bunches of stuff, popular stuff, mainstream stuff, whatever and yada-yada-yada.
Do you really have much of a point?
There really isn't one. It's just being negative and pissed off about stuff that doesn't even matter. Most people who think this way either don't try to do anything to change it, or just hate/alienate/bitch at the "preps" or whatever. Nothing gets accomplished, except maybe making people feel bad... so why do it? If you don't like this and that, just don't bother with it. There's no point in getting all huffy about it. Find what you like, find other people that like it, and don't frag the people who don't agree with you. Because really, if you do, you're an asshole, aren't you?

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