||[11 Nov 2008|12:51am]
You know, I'm almost posting regularly. About twice a year. And always in the same mood.
For the past couple months, I've spent a decent amount of time thinking about the past. For about a week, I started using the internet for social purposes pretty heavily again. I went onto classmates.com and Facebook in an attempt to track down old friends who I haven't spoken to in ages. I even got a couple responses. I just got one now. This has caused me to:
A) Wonder why I'm so concerned with the past.
B) Wonder why I'm so detached now.
C) Wonder why I looked for these specific people.
I think I'm so concerned with the past because even now, years later, I'm still trying to figure out why we did the things we did, acted the way we acted. Why did I go berserk back in high school and forsake nearly all friendship? Why was I so clingy with Ellen? Why did Mira matter so much to me? Why did I try to be so involved in Jimmy/Kristin?
Easiest answer would be, I guess, that I always think I'm right and beyond understanding, and whenever anyone gave a sign that they saw anything in me, I held on for dear life.
Jason is my best friend (Kristine: you're already in another position, don't complain =P). That basically started on a single, emotional storm of a day, when Ellen broke up with me. I was a complete, utter wreck, and for some reason I walked to his house. I still don't really know why. But I did. He (and his family) let me stay there a while, and they've taken good care of me ever since then. Once we got past all the outer BS, we actually got along and understood each other pretty well. It's funny, because I thought he was an ass prior to that. But I still feel like I'm walking around because he patched up my bleeding heart (however hypochondriacally anemic it may have been) and helped save me, and I love him like he gave me a lung.
As I get older, I compare myself to my dad more often. He had been in the Army (during Vietnam). I'm the same rank as he was (though it meant more in his day). Part of why I joined the Army (admitted, it was lower on the list, but it was there) was to get a better idea of who he was, to understand him better. I don't know if I've accomplished that or not. Much of the time, though, I feel that being in the Army has made me more like him. Deployment didn't make me any closer to anyone, it made me feel more isolated. I never heard anything about the Army from him, but a few years after he died, my mom told me a story; that he had been walking near a tree in Vietnam, and an old man threw himself from the tree at my father. He was unarmed, my father was not. I guess Dad never said whether or not he shot the man, but I'm pretty sure he did. I think I've mentioned this before. I do tend to repeat myself.
After my dad died, that left two people that could carry on the family name; me, and my uncle. A few months ago, my uncle died. So, I'm the only one left. When I was a teenager, I remember hating Dad and my sister so violently that I wanted the family name to die out. Thinking that even if I'd married, I'd take her last name, just to get rid of my own. That part didn't happpen, obviously, but still...
By the way, in case I never mentioned it (to anyone other than Kristine), pretty much the reasons why I joined the Army are (in this order):
1) To be able to financially support a family.
2) "The Glorious Burden", by Iced Earth. (Declaration Day, Valley Forge, Gettysburg trilogy.)
3) Solid Snake. (Haha. I know. Shut up.)
4) Understanding my father.
I've become a lot more cynical, too. I tend to think I'm more... correct than pretty much everyone but my friends, and I guess that's my primary criteria for friendship.
Potentially upsetting notes ahead, involving two big no-nos: religion and politics. Let's see if I can remember how to do an LJ-Cut thing properly.
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